He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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