i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
