when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
