Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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