I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Randomize
