so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
