i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
