I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
