so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
