lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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