God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Your shirt... Was in my pants
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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