if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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