OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
