i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
