Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
