just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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