it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
