i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Holy sore nipples Batman
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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