Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
