Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
