Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
