I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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