By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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