I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
