The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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