I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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