I think im going to throw up on grandma
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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