i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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