she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
