ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
