Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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