I just threw up on my dentist
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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