At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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