Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
