just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
