And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
