Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
