Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
