she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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