U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
