Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
