My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
