i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
