No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
