i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
