My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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