If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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