Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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