I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
