I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
