I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
