I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
