Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
